Albert and his 'tart'.....?

Albert brought home the old nag from the pub this evening and expected me to cook them dinner. This %26#039;woman%26#039; works behind the bar and has a face like it%26#039;s gone on fire and been put out with a golf shoe. I served up some bangers %26amp; mash for us all, and she had the cheek to say it was lumpy. I suggested she was a crude vulgarian and a row broke out. She thought i%26#039;d accused her of being Bulgarian. I then called her deaf and she got angry and broke my flaps. The cat can%26#039;t get in or out now as a result. Albert sneaked off down the pub while her and i were screaming at each other. How dare he bring her home and expect me to cook for her. I told her that her cheap perfume stank, and she poked me in the teeth with a false nail. I threw her out and told her never to come back and now i have indigestion because of all this carry-on. What can i do? Thanks

Albert and his %26#039;tart%26#039;.....?
Next time, you should, as a good dinner party hostess, stick to dishes you know well, rather than trying something difficult, new or exotic.





I can heartily recommend %26quot;Cooking for Mingers%26quot;, the latest Delia offering.





I would suggest tatties and mince - that old scottish favourite for days when the chippy is closed due to vandalism.





Make sure you use real lard to cook the mince, and to avoid lumps, simply leave the tatties whole, in their skins, and with a generous amount of manure still attached (a l%26#039;irlandais). I know I said nothing exotic, but there is a large Irish population in the West of Scotland, and their culinary influence is extensive, like indian cooking in England. Serve with neep surprise . Again, cook the neep whole, and serve al dente, so if anyone makes smart remarks about your cooking, you can rip their head off and replace it with the neep. If it is after pub closing time in Paisley, it could be weeks before anyone notices. Ideally, you should offer scottish oatcakes as an hors d%26#039;oevre - but do call it a starter, as local pronunciation, and a lack of familiarity with French may lead your guests to think you are serving horses dubrees. For our transatlantic cousins, dubrees are exactly what you fear I meant. If you run out of oatcakes, you could lift sections of carpet tile and serve them - no one will notice the difference.


Another social faux pas that you should avoid next time, is not having a fourth guest. I would suggest the procurator fiscal, as that would help if the evening deteriorates into violence (Or Big Shuggie, the delivery man from Netto would do - what he lacks in social conversation, he makes up for in discount vouchers for the cooked meat counter). Talking of alcohol-induced violence, please give some thought to the drinks needed to complement your meal. I would recommend an aperitif of White lightening cider, or special brew, for the discerning guest. For the main course, you can%26#039;t beat a robust bottle of Thunderbird to cut through the taste of burnt lard. And for pudding (and here I recommend breaking with the tradition of serving fried mars bars - be adventurous and serve snickers instead, although be careful your guests don%26#039;t have a nut allergy) .......where was I? Ah yes, for pudding wine a couple of pints of Buckfast Abbey wine in a mug provide a wine to complement your dessert. If your guests have a particular aversion to drinking grapes trodden by papist monks, because they are of the ultra-protestant %26quot;wee-free%26quot; persuasion, simply tear the labels off, and pretend you have made the wine yourself from leftover neeps. They%26#039;ll never know.





Social success - the Paisley way. Ye canna beat it.
Reply:I think the minute he brought her home, you should have thrown them both out. Damn, you have a hellva life, sure hope it gets better. . . .
Reply:not a face like a slapped a**e then? or the back of a bus? damn, girl, he%26#039;s certainly extracting the wottsit expecting you to be a good hostess. what do you usually take for indigestion? i%26#039;d try a bottle of vodka. it might not cure it but it could be fun trying. %26amp; then you can forget all about it. so, the old tart; is she a real minger? i can just picture her; faux fur leopardprint coat, red high heels, bleached blonde hair in a tangled bouffant, bright red nail polish, fag in one hand %26amp; glass of gutrot in the other, varicose veins, bright red lipstick, need i go on? how about you tell albert you expect an invitation to hers for dinner now. it%26#039;s only good manners! then you can tell us about her skanky home(bedsit, i bet). go girlfriend, give us the real lowdown on the old s**g! diane.
Reply:Oh god not the pair of you again? He had a nerve bringing his cheap tart home and expecting you to cook for her. You should have thrown them both out.
Reply:Rennie....and a shot gun.
Reply:what are you going to do now crazy abusive lady?





i think you two should have a tv series
Reply:Albert better wise up.....Don%26#039;t get your knickers in a bunch. As an American; I really love the way you wrote this question %26amp; used words like %26quot; cheek %26quot; %26amp; %26quot; tart %26quot;. It sounds like Albert doesn%26#039;t realize what a good thing he has in living with you. ---I think you are just right to utilize the plan I am going to give you.------ The next time Albert brings the old Essex Girl ( that is what you call them, right ?? ) home.....Cook some more of those bangers %26amp; mash only this time make sure her mash is really lumpy by hiding 2 or 3 pebbles in her portion of mash. After she bites into your mash %26amp; cracks a tooth...I bet she never comes back again. I bet Albert will get the message too.- Good Luck !
Reply:i%26#039;m sorry who brought who home, i hope your talking about your son bringing home a skanky girl? and not your husband?



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